Infertility is defined as an “inability to conceive children or young” in the dictionary. But its meaning goes far deeper than that. Infertility is heartbreak, disappointment, pain and a longing for something that isn’t within your reach.
I think it’s safe to say that we have all had a similar reaction to this word. You hear “infertility” and your mind goes to someone or possibly multiple people who are struggling with this battle. Your heart goes out to these people, but you never thought that someday you would be the one fighting the battle. At least I didn’t.
My husband and I had only been married for 6 months when we felt something was missing in our lives. We loved the life we had together, but we felt an urgent need to start having children. So that’s exactly what we did! We tried. And tried. And tried again. Over and over. The months kept going by. At first I was okay with not being pregnant. I wanted to finish school and didn’t feel completely ready. But as the months went by our emotions started to take a hit. The fears started to creep in. What if we could never have children? At this point no one else knew that we were trying to get pregnant. We only had each other. Luckily, my husband is an amazing support system!
After a year with no success we decided to tell our immediate family members and eventually close friends. It was hard to tell others. Especially for me. I always imagined getting pregnant and having that exciting surprise of telling our family and friends. I also wasn’t ready to admit that infertility was an actual concern now.
Doctor visits were difficult as we tried to find a solution. Medications weren’t helping. Nothing was helping.
Somewhere along the way we starting having subtle thoughts about adoption. Something we had never considered before. I still remember the first time I had the thought. It caught me completely off guard. We had just went to see the movie “Instant Family”, about 3 months after hitting our year mark of trying to get pregnant. During the movie I didn’t feel a need to adopt. I just thought it was a good movie! But on the drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of adoption..and it terrified me.
I knew nothing about adoption. This was something, once again, that I never thought would happen to me. A few weeks later my husband sat me down, saying there was something we needed to talk about. Bet you’ll never guess what it was..adoption.
Over the next few months we got our paperwork done, had our home study, put on a fantastic fundraiser and put our adoption profile up on adoption.com. While at the same time, still trying to achieve pregnancy through infertility treatments.
It’s been a crazy, emotional ride. The reason for me starting a blog is because I know what it feels like. The unbearable disappointment every month when you find out you aren’t pregnant. The mixed emotions of everyone you know having a baby, but for some reason you can’t. The longing for an understanding to why this is all happening. The feeling of loving someone so much that you haven’t even met, and not knowing if you ever will.
I admire all those who are fighting or who have fought this battle. You are not alone.
After two years of ups and downs we have been blessed unexpectedly with the pregnancy of our first child. We could not be happier about our little miracle that is on the way!
I want to share our story to help others; whether that is through infertility, adoption and eventually motherhood.
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